If only I had my camera when…

Picture of Self

Gratuitous Self Image : See #7

I never have a camera when I need one. I mean, my iPhone has a built-in camera that can take a decent picture if the light is right, but it’s always across the room and I can’t snap that fleeting still image of life that evaporates into the ether when the moment is gone. Whether it is the cute face son is making, or the sweet moment when daughter is reading to son on the couch instead of them both staring vapidly into the television. The other night, I opened my daily package of pop tarts…cherry, of course, when one of them was missing its skin. No, seriously, the top half of the pastry looked as if its scalp had been ripped off leaving a bloody mess. Where is the image? I forgot to take a picture.

Wife is obsessed with pictures; she takes four or five at a time trying to get that “perfect” image where everyone is looking just right. I hate posed pictures. Nothing says “loser” more than two people leaning in towards each other staring at the camera with broad fake grins. The art of photography rests with the artist finding the beauty from within the image, not necessarily by creating it artificially. Most advertisements are meant to look as if the model is naturally posing for the shot. Luckily, wife does a good job and actually gets a good image most of the time. We have 26,000 photos on our computer, on a backup hard drive and a cloud server.

Last October, Apple had this grand idea to create a cloud-based photo service called PhotoStream that captures the last 1000 images I take. The first version of it, though, wouldn’t let users delete individual pictures from the stream. This was problematic because I was showing  a colleague scenes from our trip to Great Wolf Lodge, when a can of tuna showed up. Yes, I did take a picture to send to wife and ask her if I was to buy that can of tuna. Really?!??! Does it have to save EVERY picture? Apple has since listened to reason and built in a way to delete them individually from the stream so those pictures of me at the exotic dancing club with a tie around my head don’t make it to the family album displayed on Apple TV.

Did you notice that I have mentioned I possess at least two Apple devices? Well, actually it’s about 11. I think I’d buy an iCar if Apple ever produced one. So sad…

So, to help readers out, I have developed a list of things not to photograph or especially post online, despite your desires to share your life with us.

7. Pictures of you: We know what you look like

6. Pictures of your pet: They all look alike

5. Pictures of your new car: Yeah, we know it’s nice

4. Pictures of your vacation: We wish we were there, already

3. Pictures of your drunken behavior:  You’re an idiot, we get it

2. Pictures of you with famous people: They don’t really care about you

And finally,

1.  Pictures of your bathroom accomplishments: Everyone poops

So, keep snapping; I am sure you’ll find someone that cares about your picture with Charlie Sheen.

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  1. #1 by Wife on April 19, 2012 - 2:28 pm

    You WOULD buy an iCar. I WOULD try to say “NO” but you WOULD wear me down, bit by bit…by bit….by bit…

    And one day, in the garage, taking up exactly 1/4 the space of a normal car and costing 4x as much, would rest a tiny, shiny, white little slim bubble. The iCar. (Cue singing of angels.)

    Daughter would squee with glee. Son would come out the garage door and toss it ito the yard.

    • #2 by skischulze on April 19, 2012 - 3:01 pm

      I do think differently

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