The Toddler Breath Alarm Clock

“Daddy, are you asleep?!?!?” loudly whispered my daughter three inches from my face. Waking in the middle of the night sucks. Whether it’s the glass of milk I drank too late before bed or son tapping on your arm with his eyes wide open, I don’t like to wake up until morning. As both children transitioned to their own bedroom, I have answered many cries for milk and water and a banana, and once, a streak of vomit.

Last night at midnight, however, the alarm on my wristwatch began to chirp in its ever-annoying manner so I fumbled with the alarm clock, hitting it and finally shutting the morning alarm off, until I realized it was my watch and deftly shut it off.

For most people, morning starts at the ass-crack of dawn, showering and dressing before getting to work. My alarm clock wakes me at 4am during the week so that I can enjoy a chance at solitude and relish the silence before a busy day. This also gives me a chance for a vigorous morning workout prior to returning home to get the kids ready for school. I love this schedule because it maximizes my time efficiency and allows the greatest part of the day to focus on the family.

I should note, however, that along with adopting this new schedule over the past several months, I have also given up drinking the massive amounts of caffeine that I used to. The problem is that I drink just enough to stay firmly addicted to the chemical, while not accruing any appreciable benefits from it. By 10AM, I often nod off for that split second. You know the one…where you relax and then just as you close your eyes, your whole body jerks. Called a myoclonic twitch, it makes for great humor as I watch students drift towards sleep and then fall out of their desks. Hilarious!

Wife and I are blessed that both son and daughter are good sleepers. Last weekend, they both slept until almost 10AM. Of course, wife and I picked that morning to get up early to focus on the daily tasks we had planned. On the mornings where son wakes himself up, he walks out into the upstairs hallway and says, “Good Mooorning!” in his northern accent. Really, our son was born in the ’05 but talks like he’s from the Bronx. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that..” I wonder, though, how in the world he speaks like he does with two Southerners for parents. His cutest phrase is when you tell him to hurry up, or clean up, etc. and he replies “I are.” I remember when daughter had these unique phrases and Wife would become angry when I would correct her because it forced wife to realize she was growing up.

Getting back to earlier in the post where I said I turned off the alarm last night at midnight, I woke up an hour late and rushed to the gym to be at the Masters swim class at 5:30. I forgot my phone and realized it two minutes down the road but knew I would be late if I turned around. Plus, I would have to reopen the garage door and possibly wake up wife. I try hard to be silent in the morning to not disturb her sleep. My first thought after I realized that I forgot it, was to suggest in my head that I call wife to let her know. Later, I was sure wife would notice it was in the charging stand and text me to let me know. I hope someone can follow this logic. Maybe I should switch back to the Triple Grande Non Fat Latte; I might just stay up past 9PM and that could be a good thing.


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  1. #1 by Wife on April 20, 2012 - 5:40 pm

    If I’d seen that you left your phone, I would have texted you to remind you to get it. Really! TGIF…

    • #2 by skischulze on April 20, 2012 - 5:44 pm

      Thx 4 that u r gr8

  2. #3 by Wife on April 20, 2012 - 5:41 pm

    Also, have you noticed that toddler breath is NOT improved, even with vigorous brushing, by the application of “berry sparkle” toothpaste? If I had a another kid (WHICH I WILL NOT), I would start right off with the minty stuff.

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